I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize