she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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