i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
