I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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