i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Randomize
