What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
