tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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