I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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