he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
