he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
