Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
