i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I think my moral compass just broke
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