Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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