i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
