So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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