How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
