I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I wish you could order shots online.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
