eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
