I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
