On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
