dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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