I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
