it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
