Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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