He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
