This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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