my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
