I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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