I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
