OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
