Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
