OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Randomize
