Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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