Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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