I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Randomize
