I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
then he tried to convert me to islam
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
