I just saw a hot homeless man
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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