it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
