You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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