Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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