Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
