I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
