mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
