there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
We were destined to go to rehab together
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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