I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
