guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
i drank out of a bidet.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
