Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
