very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
