Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
