Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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