If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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