turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
