when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Randomize
