I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
