Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
