I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
