Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
