im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Randomize
