Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
