then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Randomize
