I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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