I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Randomize
