walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
That accounts for only three of the penises
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
