Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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