i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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