Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
